I have struggled to look at myself and acknowledge the size I am now becoming. I am no longer the plus size woman of a size 18. I am now a size 12/14 and more toned. Whilst the weight loss is not huge to some people, it is something I have noticed. Noticed but not acknowledged to the full extent.
I see my clothes becoming looser and fitting worse and yet I dont find myself buying smaller sizes. I find, instead I am reluctant to do so, almost afraid. Perhaps it is because I am worried if I dont fit the smaller sizes I will be disappointed in myself.
Recently I went shopping. I went and grabbed my usual size and as I stood in the mirror in a dress I found myself squirming in it. I looked like crap. Instead of thinking perhaps a smaller size was required, I felt fat and frumpy. Fun as I was clearly not fat like I was before. It took a lovely shop assistant to walk over and say ‘try a size or two smaller’.
TWO SIZES SMALLER?! WHAT THE HELL!!!
So my friend ran off and got me a smaller size. Suddenly I saw what I should have seen before. I am a slimmer more defined shape now. My curves and slight belly are still there but man…I am smaller.
Its so weird that it takes someone else pointing it out that we have lost weight and need to dress for it, that we realise we really have. Fitting in with our new selves…
I have gone from this…
To this. Same outfit.
I have started to enjoy dressing up more…I purchased DISCO PANTS!
In the words of songbird Paloma Faith, 30 minute love affairs are never forgotten. Whilst I am not suggesting intimacy of any form lasts for a mere 30 minutes, the concept of high octane short affairs of the heart can be just what you need. I for one found getting back into the dating game hard after having my heart broken by a man and his lies. Being in another relationship of any kind filled me with dread. Intimacy is often a thing so readily given but I am not one for that game plan.
Then I felt a connection with someone. It lasted in the grand scheme of things no longer than that of a sexy wink but it has left footprints on me.
The passion and intensity that comes from short lived affairs of the heart can be addictive but tread carefully. Heart ache is an awful master and can punish you. Tread carefully and see it for what it is: a stepping stone. If both parties are aware, no one is taken advantage of and the heart is unblemished.
N.B. these are only for those who are confident in their selves to not get confused by emotional attachment. 30 minute love affairs are short and sweet.
As some of you will know doubt know, I am a fulltime burlesque entertainer, model and writer (amongst other things) but I have since gone back to the mainstream work place. This isn’t for me at least a step back in terms of my development. In a world where spare money has become scarce I have decided in order to carry on the path I am, a financial injection is a must.
I earn a reasonable amount from my Khandie Khisses side of life but with more shows cancelling, prices escalating at the tills I took the decision to get a job with a regular income. Shock! Horror! I know people may sneer about my new work as it means I am not a ‘true artist’ for not wanting to scrimp to pay my bills. Sorry but I am happy to say I like the wage packet and have in turn found I use my days off far more constructively and become more determined to succeed.
Admitting you want to make sacrifices to achieve your dreams isn’t going back or giving up, its merely realising you can take a load off your mind and focus more.
I am lucky that the job I have is unbelievably fantastic and I know how fortunate I am to find it. Not everyone is afforded that privilege. I am excited to be back in the work place and find it stimulating, gratifying and less lonely. Burlesque can be a lonely path.
Its been a while since I really went shopping. I mean with the weightloss I was unsure what size I was. Thankfully I am generally a 14. With the slimming down though I have had to say bye to some of my larger vintage. Thankfully most have been donated (check out Aylesbury charity shops) and the odd piece sold.
I have found waist belts are a god send so inhave managed to clinch a few prized garments in but I know if the weightloss continues this won’t last forever.
Here are some of my latest looks:
I am experimenting more too with layering and silhouettes.
I like challenging myself with my wardobe. I find pure pinup a tad too twee and so try to work it in different ways.
Enjoy. Let me know what you think.